This beach vacation is in full swing. I’m with other adults which means my kids can finally swim in the ocean and we can split into smaller mini groups. (Thank you Cathy, Robyn & Ron)
Although, I had all 5 kids last night in one hotel room and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
I know that’s against hotel policy, but it’s my way of getting them back for their 11am checkout rule. Seriously? 11am.
When did that start and why do we let them get away with this crime against vacations?
Tonight I managed to get the fab 5 kids in and out of the shower in a 25 minute assembly line.
I was impressed with myself until later when they ran into the sprinklers on the hotel lawn and then jumped in the pool, fully dressed.
I had two issues with this.
1. I obviously lost control of the fab 5. (and so did the other adults)
2. I really didn’t want to repeat that assembly line.
So, I didn’t. They went to bed smelling like a swimming pool, after eating pizza and tagging each other (and hotel guests) with laser pens until they got told off.
I know what you’re thinking, laser pens… Yes, laser pens.
and silly rings, a bird whistle, a back scratcher and other “necessary” stuff I bought them at Wings. It’s a must visit beach vacation store and it’s filled with junk and nostalgia from my youth, but that’s another story.
And by hotel guests, I mean other kids who chased the lasers on the lawn.
Come on, it’s not like I let the kids spot lasers on adults trying to eat a nice dinner below our room. I would never do that…
Thanks to the other adults being here, I’ve even managed to work on my tan. I usually look like a human version of Neapolitan Ice cream, but not this time.
Although, I’ll probably be peeling and back to some version of that triple flavored goodness before the Emmy’s.
One more day here and it’s back to work. August is turning out to be BUSY, and EXCITING, in shouty caps, and full of new challenges. I’m READY, also in shouty caps.
By the way, girls do burp. It must be true, my 9 year old daughter told me and she’s never wrong.
She’s writing a book about it called, “Girls Don’t Burp.” Get it?
And the laser pens came with rules, you can tag clothes or the ground but never in the eyes.
Girls don’t burp
At the dinner table
At a fancy restaurant burp
Walking my dog burp
At school burp
I burp and then… Burp
We burp at the same time
I can’t even burp
Girls burp when they want to burp
Hi cool people. I’m back.
Sorry it’s been a while but we had a family emergency and honestly, I just haven’t felt very inspired and I definitely didn’t feel like laughing.
My 90 year old Grandma passed away with all of us by her side last week. We spent 5 days that felt like an eternity, sitting with her and basically waiting for her to pass, on her own time of course.
What I am inspired by is her life. She worked until she was 87 almost 12 hours a day. I hope I can live my life as well as she did hers, she was quite a woman.
She rallied a few days before her death, long enough to tell us all she loved us and for us to tell her we loved her and that we would be ok.
One of the first things she said, after not speaking for two days, was, “I need hair spray.”
This makes me laugh now. It really does. She was herself until the bitter end and ‘put her pretty on’, even on her death bed.
And let me just also admit that I could not stop cooking or baking something during those days. I felt like if I could feed people, it would be better.
I think she thought that too. You could never be at The Cone Family Farm and have an empty stomach.
On another note, Veep was nominated for 9 Emmy’s! That is insane and insanely awesome.
What might be more insane and also insanely awesome, is that this is my 7th personal nomination. WTF? How did that happen?
I’m dress hunting again which is always fun. I’m definitely wearing the same 4 hour shoes and tricking myself into thinking they’ll last 6 hrs. Right. This time I’ll take two ibuprofen in advance as an experiment.
Mac played with a band in NC and we had a great beach holiday.
More on that soon but he has blue hair. Yep, that’s right. I let him dye part of his hair blue.
I’m a cool mom, dammit. I’m also really going to miss Grandma Cone.
I wrote this for her funeral and you know what, they gave her a standing ovation. 100 people, and mostly older folks who have a hard time actually standing, all stood up. Imagine that.
I love this woman I call Grandma Cone. I’m not alone. There are many people that call her Grandma and many many people that love her. We are the lucky ones.
My Grandma Cone. I want to be her when I grow up and I live my life by her example. Every day she made the world a whole lot better and brighter and every day I’ll miss her smile.
I noticed the other day that she had a beautiful birthmark on her left cheek in the shape of a sideways heart, so perfect for her because she was full of love.
She was my connection to the past that is so important to my future. She was there when my Father opened his eyes for the first time and sadly, when he closed them for the last time and I’m so happy I was there when she closed her eyes for the final time.
This woman deserves a standing ovation and endless curtain calls.
I love this woman. I love Grandma Cone.
It’s launch day for PuPPy by Patterson.
Once again, my children impress me and are much cooler than I ever was as a kid.
Patterson has been wanting to start this company for over a year and today, she’s open for business.
I could care less if she makes any money, I just want her to have this experience. She had an idea and she followed through, and she’s 9.
Watch her go people. She is on her way.
I’m watching the waves from my Blockade Runner hotel room.
Arthur came and went and I never want to leave this spot.
Well, at least for a few more days when we pack up and trek back to NYC.
I was more freaked out about tornadoes than the hurricane so we rode out the storm from the hotel. This place is like a bunker.
4th of July was fun and some of the usual suspects were here.
Nice to see you Banshee Ladies! Wrightsville Beach is the best place to see it all. There are fireworks to your left, right, center and 15 feet away.
I’ll soon be seeing my Amtrak friends and trying not to eat those desserts in square pots.
Oh and I’m reuniting with those chocolate chip cookies that I broke up with last season. It’s a tumultuous affair.
check out www.puppybypatterson.com
But wait until tomorrow when the kinks are sorted.
Sadly, we might not be back here for a while since the State is changing it’s film incentive program.
We’ve called this place home for six years. The people that live here and work with us are family so lets hope this gets worked out.
But big politics is at play and they don’t give a shit about the people that will lose their jobs.
What will happen to this community if the filming goes away?
For now, The Little Laing’s and I are just kicking back at the beach and enjoying every minute we’re here.
I’m feeling very melancholy since we arrived and also a little dizzy, my vertigo is back and really pissing me off.
This town also has the best doctors. One of them happens to be the only one I’ve seen who has ever made any sense or helped at all with this vertigo business and all for a very nice price and with a smile.
Have I mentioned how much I love this town?
I let Mac dye part of his hair blue and he’s playing with a band Saturday. I’m so proud.
They all got henna tattoos and Mac’s smudged on my arm. Apparently they last for three weeks. That means for three weeks I will endure people telling me I have something on my arm.
We’re all trying surfing lessons tomorrow unless tropical storm Arthur gets in our way.
If he does, you’ll find us playing corn hole instead.
Oh hey, my film got into another festival. This one is HollyShorts Film Festival in Los Angeles.
This is me as Miley Cyrus, courtesy of Patterson.
Only three more days of school until Summer Break. My kids are going bananas and so am I.
Three more sleep nights and three more wake ups. Ugh.
Is it just my house or does bedtime suck for other people?
It’s like these little people forget that they have to go to sleep every day and then wake up for school the next morning.
I give them the ten minute warning, they ask for more time, I relent, give another warning, then finally in bed, and they talk. And talk and then get up to pee or drink water, anything to delay some shut eye.
Waking up is pretty much the same. With three, I’m guaranteed that at least one will wake up cranky.
Today it was Patterson and she was a FORCE that ended with me drying her hair for twenty minutes before leaving for school. I’ll spare you the details but I definitely did not do it right.
The Palm Springs Film Festival was great, about 300 people watched my film and laughed in all the right places.
It was such a great experience for me. I keep thinking, wow, we made something and people like it. I’m loving this journey.
I tried writing before the screening and every time I wrote “I’m nervous”, my iPhone auto corrected it to, “I’m verbose.”
And so my iPhone was right again, see for yourself.
Definition: wordy, long-winded
Synonyms: bombastic, circumlocutory, diffuse, flowery, full of air, fustian, gabby, garrulous, grandiloquent, involved, loquacious, magniloquent, palaverous, periphrastic, pleonastic, prolix, redundant, repeating, repetitious, repetitive, rhetorical, talkative, talky, tautological, tautologous, tedious, tortuous, windy, yacking
I was definitely ‘yacking’ before the screening.
I was also ‘downing’ a tequila shot.
Happy Summer everyone.
I’m in LaLa Land again. I white knuckled my way here and I’m happy to report that it’s STILL sunny.
Doesn’t it bother anyone that the weather is the same every day?
When we first moved to NY, I got caught without an umbrella or coat too many times to count. I was so used to sunny days, every day, that I forgot what a bitch weather can be.
I’m excited to be here but it was so hard to leave The Little Laing’s.
It seems my English box of tea liked having me around. You see, I’ve been traveling a bit less lately because I’m on Hiatus. There’s that word again. I can’t seem to get through a post without using it.
I ran a writer’s room for a Clinton Foundation event this weekend. It was very successful and ground breaking. Stand by for more.
My short film premieres this Friday at 8pm in Palm Springs which is very exciting but I am missing my son’s 5th grade graduation.
Insert giant sigh, followed by several Fuck’s and a fuckity fuck fuck.
Thankfully, my ex husband has stepped up and will represent.
I’m so proud of Mac, Poppy & Doc. Everything I do is for this brood and every time I leave them I have to remind myself that it’s ok for me to be happy and excited about my career.
I know my kids are as proud of me as I am of them. Go Team Laing.
I am also missing my Father. He died when I was 14 and he was 42. He was an avid golfer and cigar smoker with a killer sense of humor. I know where I got mine from. Happy Father’s Day.
The season 3 Veep Finale was Sunday. Umm hello, Selina is the President bitches.
We live tweeted it and honestly I stopped watching to focus on twitter. It was hard to keep up but I love when we do these things.
Turns out I have a lot to say just can’t say it while live tweeting, either because I can’t keep up or because my lips are sealed.
Also it turns out, people get mad and send you strange tweets. Much like some of the comments I get on my Refinery29 or Yahoo Travel pieces.
It’s great when I write something and it compels someone to comment. It’s a new experience for me and I love it.
Not so great when they don’t get it or get mad but a terrific feeling when someone else comments and defends me.
That’s an awesome feeling and it’s what happened on Twitter, someone wrote a weird, sort of mean thing and some other lovely person defended me. Thank you.
This weekend was also Patterson’s birthday party. Holy hell those 8 year old’s can bring it. They danced, sang and screamed for two solid hours. I never had a party like that as a kid.
Also, and this is a big also, my short film got into Palm Springs International ShortFest!
World Premiere of Trouble & the Shadowy Deathblow is June 20th at 8pm.
Yes I bought this giant Rice Krispie Treat. What the hell is wrong with me? I even let them eat it before the party started, as in four full days before the party.
I’m a sucker and I need to take a stand. Here I go, this is me, taking a stand.
It’s official. Patterson is cooler than me. Her hip factor is through the roof and her birthday party is this weekend. Fifteen girls and a few boys are coming over for a DJ party.
We just finished her playlist and it’s filled with artists I’ve never heard of. Jessie J., Zedd and Shane Harper. And who the hell is K Drew?
She wants three things for her birthday.
1. A vintage Ramones edition guitar.
2. A printer that connects to her phone.
3. To take toys to Children’s Hospital for the sick kids.
Seriously? What a kid.
We’re organizing the hospital trip for next week. And what kid wants a Gabba Gabba Hey guitar? I’m so proud.
Mac & I visited the Martin Guitar factory and museum and spent an hour with Mr. Chris Martin himself. I was so impressed by him and his company. Did you know over 50% of the employees are female? Ladies making guitars, I love that.
Mac left wanting the Eric Clapton D45. I’m so broke. (But not really. I didn’t buy it).
Watson has been wanting a Wii U so he can play Mario Kart 8. I’m so playing. We’ll fight over who gets to be Mario.
I’m craving the Rose wine we drank in Montauk as it’s been a slightly stressful week. By the way, did you know Montauk has morphed into a beach town with bottle service? Yuck.
Hold the phone, I have a bottle of Bandol left from the Banshee Ladies. I’m so lucky.
Every morning I ask my kids what they plan to do today to make the world a better place.
Their answers vary from big ideas to small ones. Today, Mac said he was going to clean his room. I’m so happy.
My seven year old calls me “dude”.
I’m not sure if that’s good or bad but I sort of like it and he’s so yummy he can call me whatever he wants, as long as it’s nice.
On the contrary, I’m pretty sure my eleven year old flipped me off today, but that’s another story.
I’d like to think I’m one of the dudes. I can hang with the guys on my shows and will be doing that for a while since we just announced a new series for HBO this week. (Yay!)
I think it’s important to be able to hang with my sons, especially as they get older and enter the teenage drama years. Although, I’ll do my best to keep those times more like a comedy that I’m producing.
My daughter had to get a cavity filled this week, which was not funny at all. She was very nervous, so I suggested we hang by shopping online for shoes.
Probably not good to pass this on, but it works for me and my nerves.
I rarely buy anything, I just like looking at four hour heels and remembering how bad they make my feet hurt.
I’ve been Spring Cleaning (a little late) and found my old records. I took a trip down memory lane with Grease, AC DC, Prince’s Purple Rain, Judas Priest and the Flashdance Soundtrack.
Plus, an honorable mention for my signed Scott Baio album. Yes, Cha Chi sang, at least on one record. I stood in line for three hours to get that damn thing signed and I swooned as he told me his sister’s name is Stephanie too.
I was a strange kid with an interest in many varied things, A girl at heart (Endless Love) who loved rock and roll (The Ramones), knitting and Star Wars. I was a beginner “dude”.
And by the way, my son is not the only one who calls me “dude,” all the dudes I work with and the dude I call my boyfriend, use this term of endearment.
Guess I’m just a “dude” putting her pretty on, trying to raise three kids in NYC, while producing comedy and hoping to make people laugh.
By the way, the shoe shopping might have helped my daughter’s nerves temporarily but once the drill started, so did her yelling.
She shut that office down just like she did the beach, when a crab bit her toe last Summer. She was channeling her inner “dude”.
Something strange is happening, I stopped counting my days off.
This has never happened. I mean I’ve counted days or at least been restless between shows for as long as I can remember.
Now I’m not even sure how many days I’ve had off. The horror!
When I first moved to LA, I had this weird thing that everything I owned had to fit in my car. You know, in case I wanted to make a run for it in the middle of the night…
I’ve always had an exit plan. Always.
So I’m on foreign land here. I’m not looking to exit, I’m looking forward.
Forward to Summer and the travel that brings, with kids and without.
Forward to the film festivals and seeing how people respond to my film. This is crazy, how is it I have a short film in festivals?
Forward to contributing more columns to Yahoo Travel & Refinery29. I really love writing those pieces.
And I’m looking forward to Mac entering Middle School in the Fall.
I’m also scared shitless that he’ll be in Middle School in the Fall.
Seriously, how the hell am I going to get him to school in a completely different part of Manhattan than the other two?
And also be in Baltimore filming Veep, at the same time.
And what about their guitar lessons and making sure their homework is done? And what if Mac hates his school or has no friends?
Ok. Take a breath. I’m not going down the rabbit hole just yet.
Maybe I’ll try not looking forward or backward and just give staying in the moment a go.
Yeah, right. I’ll be counting the days again by tomorrow.